Ten Things I Don't Hate About Me

My dear friend, Nik, was having a tough day yesterday. Being a SAHM to two little boys under the age of 3 ain't always easy, y'all. She spent her morning struggling, until later in the day, she realized that a bad day with Spenk & Ollie isn't a reflection of her parenting skills. It honestly is JUST a bad day. She realized in that moment that she's good at a lot of things. And I have to agree with her. Paige has a gorgeous cloud mobile and several super cute pairs of baby legwarmers in her room as proof positive! If you need homemade baby legwarmers, custom cloud or moon mobiles, custom pennant banners, or a custom rag quilt, Spenk & Ollie Creations is the place to go, no doubt about it.

Anyway, after Nik listed her ten things, she invited her readers to do the same. I'm always up for a good blog prompt, and the way the past few days have gone, this one certainly appealed to me.

1. Giving birth. Whether it be my son, who weighed 8lbs 14.5oz and was birthed with the assisstance of a "vacuum" and epidural or my tiny 7lb daughter who needed no more help than perineal massage and a couple of doses of Stadol (and okay, some Phenergan for the nausea caused by birthing without an epidural), I did what had to be done. I gave birth to my babies.

2. Ignoring the parenting judgement. I know that around here, the things I do are not the norm. We live in the south, where people do as their grandparents tell them - meaning a lot raise their children as their grandparents raised their parents. I'm not that person - we do what works for us and damn everyone else. When needed, we co-sleep and we share our room still on the nights we don't share our bed. We babywear, we don't take the doctor's (nurse's/lab tech's) word as golden simply because they're trained in their field. We research and make educated choices. We don't circumcise, we probably won't pierce ears before kindergarten unless we find a local pediatrician who pierces, we cloth diaper (that was the big one that people around here were shocked by). We don't give our baby a pork chop at three months old - though we ARE planning to skip purees entirely and try babyled weaning (which has absolutely nothing to do with breastfeeding). We consider ourselves lucky our daughter sleeps through the night and wouldn't have given her rice cereal to make her. We DO give her rice cereal for her reflux. Etc etc etc. And we don't judge other parents for making different decisions than us.

3. Photography... I'm good at this, not great. I am definitely an amateur and probably always will be. But the photos I take are very precious to me. And hopefully I won't even wind up on You Are Not A Photographer

4. Calming a hurting baby... Becoming good at this comes with the territory of being the mother of a reflux baby. People ask me if Paige is fussy... During the first reflux flare up, oh my stars, yes, she was. For almost two weeks straight. And then I began to realize the positions and techniques that helped her feel better. I know it's luck, not every mother is as lucky to be able to calm their refluxer. I think it has saved my sanity.

5. Patience. On the rare occassion that she is truly inconsolable and screams for hours on end, I can hold her and snuggle her and rock her and sing to her and talk to her. And even if, on the inside, I'm pulling my hair out? All she knows is that I'm loving her.

6. The Sims. This one is amusing. I've been playing since my 17th birthday, so for over 11 years now (shhh). My son would tell you I'm awesome at it, because I've had a family worth over a million dollars with no cheat codes used. I also apparently was good at unintentionally getting him addicted.

7. Making the kids laugh. Whether I'm making funny faces or tickling them or dancing like a fool or singing any words that come to mind to my daughter in a ridiculous tune... ALL of the kids get a kick out of it.

8. Not spending money. Other than all of these stupid bills, I can go a week without spending a dime most of the time if I really, really need to. And when things are really tight, I normally only buy necessities - gas to get to the grocery store and doctor appointments, laundry detergent, dishwashing liquid, dog & cat food, toilet paper...

9. Organizing and downsizing. When I set my mind to something, I can really cut down on the household clutter. Now, finding that motivation to do these things? That's a different story.

10. Cooking. My husband brags on me constantly, and I've even recently been told that my nephew does. My husband won't eat bbq pork from anywhere else anymore, and my nephew bragged about it to his friends. I don't know how you get much easier than cooking a boneless pork shoulder picnic roast in root beer on low in the crock pot all day, draining the root beer, adding bbq sauce (Jack Daniels honey bbq or hickory brown sugar here, thanks), and shredding the meat... But they sure do love it. My husband also brags about my spaghetti a lot - apparently the homemade sauce made with a recipe my grandmother was given while living in Italy was the way to his heart, and the man who hates mushrooms loves the ones I cook to put on the spaghetti. Who knew?

I could probably keep going if Nik had given some number other than ten... Because, I am a pretty talented person, I guess, even if I do feel like a failure when my infant is screaming inconsolably or my son forgets to take a shower or the 12 year old niece I'm raising cops an attitude (for the ten millionth time (in one day (or maybe one hour...))). All in all, despite the struggles, I guess I have this life thing pretty well figured out.

Oh, baby, I'm amazed by you

Guess what beautiful little girl started laughing in response to stimuli night before last and trying to imitate Mommy sticking her tongue out and rolling from belly to back yesterday? She'll be two months old on Sunday, she isn't supposed to be rolling over yet! Such a strong, smart girl...

And suddenly, country music makes me cry.

It's been a while since I've written. Everything has been crazy, beautiful, amazing, stressful, and perfect. Six weeks and one day ago, my daughter was born.

On February 7, 2013 at 5:11 PM a beautiful little girl named JamieLynn Paige Beasley joined the world.

Eleven.

Today, I am eleven days or less from holding my daughter in my arms. That is an amazing feeling. I wasn't sure that I would ever have another child, and now I'm two weeks away from bringing a newborn daughter home. I am so grateful. So grateful, in fact, that as tired as I am of being pregnant, Mark and I are already discussing trying for another baby soon after Ms. Paige's birth. I know that Mark doesn't want to wait long if we are having another, because he wants to be able to play with his children and grandchildren, not just watch them play. And I think it makes sense to go for it soon - the sooner we have our babies, the sooner they will be school-age (ugggh) and I can go back to work and contribute monetarily again. So we will  probably just go with no birth control and let what happens happen until Paige is six months to a year old or so, and if we're not pregnant by then, start actively trying. I think that one more after this current miracle growing in my tummy will complete our already large and confusing family. :)

But, back to my Paige. We had an ultrasound at 36 weeks, showing a perfect, healthy baby girl estimated at 6lbs and 6oz and in position for delivery. Friday, at our 37 week appointment, everything looked fantastic again. Healthy heartbeat, belly growing right on track. I'm also already 1cm dilated. We discussed my blood pressure a bit. It's been being higher than I like (after an average of 120/60 for most of this pregnancy, we're suddenly seeing readings between 120/80-140/100 in the last month). Monday night it jumped to 141/92. I managed to get it back down quickly, but it's still making me nervous. We had discussed the possibility of induction at the beginning of the pregnancy, when we discussed Will's birth. He came early at 38 weeks 5 days and was still a whopping 8lbs 14.6oz. The doctor had to use the vacuum because he got stuck, and I believe if he had been even a few ounces larger, I would have had to have a c-section. We can't afford for Mark to be out of work long enough for me to recover properly from a surgery right now, so between that and my blood pressure, when my doctor offered to schedule an induction at 39 weeks 2 days, I accepted. So I have another appointment tomorrow, where we will discuss it further. I hope to find out my Bishop score and see if he would be will to sweep my membranes at the beginning of next week in hopes of an easier induction. But, if Paige does not make her grand entrance into the world by February 7th, we will be going in that morning for an induction.

I honestly don't know that she's going to wait that long! I've been having contractions, cramps, lower back pain, and a ton of pelvic pressure, along with other signs of early labor since Wednesday. But, it comforts me to know that if we do have to induce, she's already preparing, so maybe it won't be such a long process. I'm hoping that if we do induce, she will actually be born the same day we go into the hospital. My active labor with Will was fairly short for a first time mom (somewhere around 8-9 hours). I'm hoping to have a short, fairly easy labor with this little munchkin, too. Time will tell...

It's so hard to explain how I'm feeling, approaching the birth of my second baby, my first born 9 years earlier. I feel like a first time mom all over again, while at the same time, feeling like I've "been there, done that" and I know what to expect. Who am I kidding?! I'm clueless! I'm excited and happy that we'll be bringing her home soon, and at the same time, I'm an absolute nervous wreck! I'm also sad. I was supposed to have all my babies by now, my mom and sister were supposed to have been along for the ride... So, even though I have an amazing, supportive husband... I still feel very alone in this? Even saying that makes me feel like I'm betraying him, because he really is great. But women just want their close female relatives around when they have new babies! I want them to turn to when I need help, I want to share this experience with them. My sister never got a niece. My mom only got one granddaughter. Neither of them got to see Will very much when he was little because his father was military and we lived out of state. I feel like I took that opportunity away from them, and now that I'm home and having a baby, they've been taken from me. And my daughter... Mark has no contact with his family (and they don't seem like the kind of people I would want around my children, anyway). My daughter will never know a grandmother or an aunt or uncle. She will have one grandfather and her cousins in her "extended" family (although, truly we are more of an immediate family than most "normal" immediate families). That's it. I feel terrible that I can't provide her with the loving aunt that Will knew for 8 years, and the amazing grandmother he had for 9. I feel helpless that there's absolutely nothing I can do to change that situation for her. She'll never know what they were like, and that leaves an ache in my chest that will never go away. I know that we'll be all she ever knows, so that will be enough for her, she won't miss people that weren't there... But, it's still hard to come to terms with.

I'm trying not focus on those things though, because this a special, amazing time. I'm going to have a daughter...