Sunday, January 27, 2013


Today, I am eleven days or less from holding my daughter in my arms. That is an amazing feeling. I wasn't sure that I would ever have another child, and now I'm two weeks away from bringing a newborn daughter home. I am so grateful. So grateful, in fact, that as tired as I am of being pregnant, Mark and I are already discussing trying for another baby soon after Ms. Paige's birth. I know that Mark doesn't want to wait long if we are having another, because he wants to be able to play with his children and grandchildren, not just watch them play. And I think it makes sense to go for it soon - the sooner we have our babies, the sooner they will be school-age (ugggh) and I can go back to work and contribute monetarily again. So we will  probably just go with no birth control and let what happens happen until Paige is six months to a year old or so, and if we're not pregnant by then, start actively trying. I think that one more after this current miracle growing in my tummy will complete our already large and confusing family. :)

But, back to my Paige. We had an ultrasound at 36 weeks, showing a perfect, healthy baby girl estimated at 6lbs and 6oz and in position for delivery. Friday, at our 37 week appointment, everything looked fantastic again. Healthy heartbeat, belly growing right on track. I'm also already 1cm dilated. We discussed my blood pressure a bit. It's been being higher than I like (after an average of 120/60 for most of this pregnancy, we're suddenly seeing readings between 120/80-140/100 in the last month). Monday night it jumped to 141/92. I managed to get it back down quickly, but it's still making me nervous. We had discussed the possibility of induction at the beginning of the pregnancy, when we discussed Will's birth. He came early at 38 weeks 5 days and was still a whopping 8lbs 14.6oz. The doctor had to use the vacuum because he got stuck, and I believe if he had been even a few ounces larger, I would have had to have a c-section. We can't afford for Mark to be out of work long enough for me to recover properly from a surgery right now, so between that and my blood pressure, when my doctor offered to schedule an induction at 39 weeks 2 days, I accepted. So I have another appointment tomorrow, where we will discuss it further. I hope to find out my Bishop score and see if he would be will to sweep my membranes at the beginning of next week in hopes of an easier induction. But, if Paige does not make her grand entrance into the world by February 7th, we will be going in that morning for an induction.

I honestly don't know that she's going to wait that long! I've been having contractions, cramps, lower back pain, and a ton of pelvic pressure, along with other signs of early labor since Wednesday. But, it comforts me to know that if we do have to induce, she's already preparing, so maybe it won't be such a long process. I'm hoping that if we do induce, she will actually be born the same day we go into the hospital. My active labor with Will was fairly short for a first time mom (somewhere around 8-9 hours). I'm hoping to have a short, fairly easy labor with this little munchkin, too. Time will tell...

It's so hard to explain how I'm feeling, approaching the birth of my second baby, my first born 9 years earlier. I feel like a first time mom all over again, while at the same time, feeling like I've "been there, done that" and I know what to expect. Who am I kidding?! I'm clueless! I'm excited and happy that we'll be bringing her home soon, and at the same time, I'm an absolute nervous wreck! I'm also sad. I was supposed to have all my babies by now, my mom and sister were supposed to have been along for the ride... So, even though I have an amazing, supportive husband... I still feel very alone in this? Even saying that makes me feel like I'm betraying him, because he really is great. But women just want their close female relatives around when they have new babies! I want them to turn to when I need help, I want to share this experience with them. My sister never got a niece. My mom only got one granddaughter. Neither of them got to see Will very much when he was little because his father was military and we lived out of state. I feel like I took that opportunity away from them, and now that I'm home and having a baby, they've been taken from me. And my daughter... Mark has no contact with his family (and they don't seem like the kind of people I would want around my children, anyway). My daughter will never know a grandmother or an aunt or uncle. She will have one grandfather and her cousins in her "extended" family (although, truly we are more of an immediate family than most "normal" immediate families). That's it. I feel terrible that I can't provide her with the loving aunt that Will knew for 8 years, and the amazing grandmother he had for 9. I feel helpless that there's absolutely nothing I can do to change that situation for her. She'll never know what they were like, and that leaves an ache in my chest that will never go away. I know that we'll be all she ever knows, so that will be enough for her, she won't miss people that weren't there... But, it's still hard to come to terms with.

I'm trying not focus on those things though, because this a special, amazing time. I'm going to have a daughter...

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Fragile and Precious - How We Got This Far

I am LARGE. I mean, really, really, large. I feel like my body cannot stretch anymore. And so, the last few days, it's really been hitting me. I'm about to give birth to and bring home a tiny, fragile, perfect little being for the second time in my life.